HOW TO SURVIVE THE LOSS OF A PET
Andrea L. Davis, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist
Surviving the loss of a beloved animal is a difficult and painful
experience. It can be made into a growing opportunity if handled
with concern and attention to your emotional process. What is most
critical is to give adequate time and care to your own grief so
that it can be reconciled, resolved, and integrated into the rest
of who you are. In this way, you do not allow the loss to become
an emotional tripping point where you get stalled or stuck in your
personal development. If the loss is particularly painful, memories
of the loss can be felt as traumatic re-injuries and even memories
of your pet can become traumatic or painful. Human beings have excellent
psychological protective devices, the main one being avoidance.
Unfortunately, if the pain of the memories is not healed, resolved,
and integrated, then avoidance of the painful memories becomes a
mental habit. Avoidance takes up lots of mental energy, causes physical
stress, and gets in the way of open/free mental processing of old
and new information. In particular, it interferes with any new relationship
formation (with an animal or human creature!) On the other hand,,
giving yourself the opportunity to process your loss thoroughly
provides a way for you to grow in strength, wisdom, and love.
Those of you who are considering the proper and beautiful storage
of your pet's ashes in a handcrafted wooden pet box are those who
have the highest regard for your pet and the meaning of its life
with you. It is equally important to hold your own grief process
in high regard. As you intend to honor your pet, so it is appropriate
to also honor your grieving. Agree now to honor yourself by giving
yourself:
1. Time
View grieving as a process with several phases through which you
may cycle several times. Allow yourself the time to feel deeply.
Do not be embarrassed that the loss of a pet is such a major sorrow
for you or that it requires so long to heal. Accept your feelings
about the loss for what they are and allow yourself time to recover
and move on to a stronger way of being in the world.
2. Attention
Paying attention to yourself and your strong feelings is not necessarily
familiar. We have been trained to distract ourselves or suppress
our strong feelings. For those in mourning, this typically backfires
because it causes much lengthier grieving, surprising symptoms,
and confusing mixes of recovery and unprocessed pain which interfere
with our emotional stability in the future. Instead, become familiar
with the typical grieving process, with your particular mixture
of feelings, and what action steps you may take to help yourself
recover (see www.pet-loss.net).
3. Compassion
Stand outside yourself to see the emotional details of your situation
clearly. Extend to yourself understanding and concern for the feelings
which may overtake you at times, from sorrow, to loneliness, to
anger, to despair. Find kind gestures to communicate with the grief;
treat yourself to simple, inexpensive indulgences which provide
tender care to your soul. Don't forget to give yourself at least
one treat, indulgence, or concrete act of kindness each day until
you feel better.
4. Grace
Grace means forgiveness and leniency. Being gracious toward yourself
as you grieve involves giving yourself the same breaks you would
afford a beloved pet who had lost a significant companion. Allow
for your not feeling up to things, not feeling normal, not bouncing
back as fast as you would like, not feeling the same about other
animals, etc. It is the antidote to guilt which can sometimes complicate
grief.
5. Support
One of the key ways in which the most healthy adults resolve loss
and grief is through mutual exploration of the meaning of painful
memories. In other words, talk about the loss with people who are
understanding and supportive. Talk through the particularly difficult
aspects of your experience and revisit these talks until you have
the ability to sense relief, resolution, and a freedom to return
to the memories without any fear or hesitation.
6. Rituals
Ageless is the need of human beings for rituals or solemn ceremonious
acts to make meaning of the important moments in our lives and to
bring narrative order to the random events of life. We are story
makers and we use rituals or ceremonies to help weave our lives
into a larger story. The passing of your animal companion is no
exception. Find simple symbolic expressions of what the death means
or what the animal's life signified to you. Use those symbols to
comfort you now and in the future.
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